


Daffodils At Dusk

by Kieran (Ameenjouee)



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: How Do I Tag, Minor Character Death, Murder, Rightful self blame, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, but not detailed, listen this is not a happy story, self blame, there's death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-08
Updated: 2018-06-08
Packaged: 2019-05-19 21:52:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14881892
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ameenjouee/pseuds/Kieran
Summary: Tsukishima hadn't meant to kill his older brother. But it happened. And now he has to deal with the aftermath.





	Daffodils At Dusk

Things could change in a split second. Especially with situations that were already emotionally charged.   


Tsukishima Kei never had been good at controlling his emotions. He'd always been an open book - heart on his sleeve, never guarded but never one to take shit lying down either.   


And maybe that's why his immediate reaction is to lash out when everything spiraled so far from what he'd always known - his older brother, his hero was a liar. Quite honestly, he should have expected the explanations, the excuses once Akiteru came home from the game.   


He had. But it didn't make him any less pissed. He'd sent Yamaguchi home as soon as they got to their parting place - he wanted to be alone, he needed time to think, to adjust, to calm down.   


But he hadn't gotten that, and now he was busy arguing with a too-calm Akiteru and he didn't know how to handle any of it.   
  
Quite honestly, he wasn't entirely sure what had happened. One moment, he was arguing with Akiteru, and the next there was blood everywhere.   


But it scared him, quite honestly.   


_ Shit, what did I do? I didn't mean to hurt him. _   


But he had. God, there was a lot of blood.   


He looked up, eyes terrified when he heard his brother speak quietly.   


"Kei, I'm so sorry.."   


_ What, why are you apologizing? You're the one who's bleeding out. _   


He didn't remember moving, but pressure helped, right? That's what Akiteru had taught him years ago when he got hurt outside. Pressure would help stop the blood.   


Akiteru stopped him, though, shaking his head. "No. No, Kei. You can't.."   


"But I have to..."   


Akiteru gave a quiet laugh, settling for taking one of Kei's hands. "It's okay. It's fine."   
  
Kei didn't move at all until his brother stopped breathing, shock settling in his system.   


_ His brother had stopped him from trying to save him. Why. Why, Nii-chan? This isn't fair.. _   


Not even to mention that Akiteru had never stopped trying to talk to him, to apologize, and to make him  promise he wasn’t going to give up. Ever. 

Absently, he wondered if Akiteru would have stayed alive if he hadn’t gotten that promise out of him. 

Rather than stay alone until his mom came back, he got up and left at a run.   


Yamaguchi would know what to do. He always did.   


He hadn't factored in the worry or surprise that would come with his blood-covered state when he showed up at his best friend's house, though.   


He was just glad that Yamaguchi had come to investigate who was at the door as well.   


"Oh my god.. Tsukki, are you okay?!"   


Kei looked up at him for a moment before looking past him. "Can... can I stay here until my mom comes home?  _ Please _ ?"   


"Of course, sweetheart. What happened?"   


But Kei just shook his head, letting himself be guided to the bathroom to clear off as much of the blood as could be done.   


With that done, Yamaguchi pulled the blond to his room, giving him the time and space to just be silent and work through whatever had happened on his own.   


* * *

When Tsukishima's mother came home, all four of them headed over.   


Yamaguchi had to admit, he hated seeing his best friend so... lifeless.   


"Oh..."   


Tsukishima looked up briefly at the horror in his best friend's voice, then looked back down upon seeing the blood still everywhere.   


_ There's going to be stains, I'm never going to be able to forget this. _   


A few minutes later found him and Yamaguchi sitting on the couch - he curled into himself, hoping it was enough to hold himself together.   


He could barely hear the adults talking in the doorway to the kitchen from here, but snippets still filtered over.   


"..he just showed up at our house covered in blood. Are you sure you don't want to come stay for the night while the police investigate?"   


Tsukishima curled further in on himself at that, blocking out his mother's response.   


Yamaguchi gave him a worried look for it - he couldn't help with this and he knew it. There was nothing to really help with.   


No tears, or screaming, or any sort of verbal reaction. Just silence and a shattered look in honey golden eyes.   


"It'll be okay, Tsukki..." he offered quietly - it was all he could do   


It wasn't okay right now - how could it be? Akiteru was dead and with everything else that had happened that day, Yamaguchi knew that his best friend was probably hurting like crazy.   


"Kei..."   


Tsukishima looked up when he heard his mom's voice behind him, barely meeting her eyes before he looked back down towards the floor again. "I don't want to leave. I want to stay here."   


"I know, sweetie. Just for tonight, okay? For tonight, go stay with Tadashi, okay?"   


But he didn't want to. Yamaguchi watched as Tsukishima debated with himself over arguing before he gave a short nod and got up to go pack clothes for the stay overnight.   


* * *

The next day was full of talking - to his mom, to his best friend, and to the police.   


And god, it was nerve-wrecking.   


As much as he wanted to tell the truth, he just... couldn't.   


Something stopped him from it.   


It was easy enough to tell half the story and leave it as that and no one really questioned it upon seeing the distant look in his eyes.   


What he didn't like was the grief counseling that he'd have to attend with his mother for a while.   


He didn't want therapy - he didn't need it.   


* * *

Funerals were one of Tsukishima's least favorite things. He didn't do very well with emotional people, so he wasn't entirely sure why he was even there.   


Well, okay, he supposed he had to be, considering the funeral was for his brother and he refused to leave his mom to deal with all of it alone.   


But besides that, what was the point?   


Akiteru was dead, no need to make a big deal of it anymore. It wouldn't do a damn thing.   


At least not everyone was crying. That meant he wasn't out of place and that it wasn't as unbearable as it could've been.   


Still, seeing some of his brother's classmates, teammates at the funeral was unsettling.   


He'd never met them, but they seemed to know him by sight, even before meeting his mom or being introduced.   


He was just glad no one approached him - though, to be fair, Yamaguchi helped a lot on that front by staying close to him and glaring at whoever dared come near him.   


While the expression usually wouldn't look scary on his too-innocent best friend, the situation put more meaning to it.   
  
Tsukishima stayed long after everyone else had left - including his mom, after a lot of silent askance on his own part and Yamaguchi quietly agreeing to stay behind with him.   


Even knowing this was his doings, it bothered him to know that this was it.   


Yamaguchi gave him his space, staying quiet as he waited.   


And for once, the silence didn't help. It just felt wrong - it had for a while, but honestly, Tsukishima was starting to believe that it was just because with it silent, there was nothing to focus on but his own emotions and thoughts.   


* * *

It went without saying that Tsukishima stopped playing volleyball after his brother's murder.   


He couldn't keep playing even if he wanted to. The very idea made him feel sick.   


Yamaguchi wasn't happy about him quitting - that was fine, he could be upset all he wanted, Tsukishima thought.   


* * *

His first birthday without Akiteru, the only thing he wanted was for people to leave him the fuck alone and let him stay in bed all day.   


Of course, it being a school day, that didn't exactly happen, but that didn't stop him from wishing.   


He wasn't expecting his mom to push two wrapped boxes towards him as soon as he made it down to help with breakfast, though.   


"What...?"   


"Happy birthday, Kei,"   


Tsukishima stared at his mom for a moment before he shook his head. "I didn't want anything, though."   


A sad smile flashed across his mom's face, and she tapped the top box. "This one is from Akiteru. He bought it before...."   


Oh god, that had been the last thing he wanted to hear, to be reminded of this morning. Still, he let his arguments die on his tongue, opening the gifts as per request.   


New hoodie from his mom - his old one was getting threadbare from how often he'd worn it, so he appreciated the new one more than he probably would have otherwise - and... headphones from Akiteru.   


They came with a hand-written note placed atop them in the box, as well as his brother's handwriting on the left earpiece declaring 'love you!'   


Had he not had a handle on his emotions as it was, he would have broken down and he knew it. Regardless, he pushed breakfast away - barely touched - and settled for reading the note over and over until Yamaguchi showed up that morning to head to school.   


* * *

Going through middle school without Akiteru there was weird for Tsukishima.   


He was sure half of the reason it felt so strange was because while his mom loved him and did her best for him, she couldn't help him with a lot of the things he dealt with as he went through puberty.   


_ Just another side effect of having a deadbeat dad, I guess _ , he thought.   


Still, despite that, he managed not to make too much of a mess of himself through middle school.   


* * *

High school was an issue though. When he told Yamaguchi that he was going to Karasuno, it had caused one hell of a conversation.   


"But... that's where Akiteru-nii went. Are you sure, Tsukki?"   


Tsukishima's breath caught a bit at the reminder, then he nodded firmly. He had to.   


He had to be where his brother had been for his last three years of life. He had to prove he had it in himself to do what his brother never could.   


It was the only connection he had left to his brother.   
  
And thus, he found himself - and Yamaguchi, who had refused to let him go to Karasuno alone, fearful that it would hurt too much - at Karasuno High School.   


It wasn't much, not really. It felt homey.   


What he hadn't accounted for, though, was that he would be returning to volleyball that year in order to try to prove to himself that he could do what Akiteru had failed to.   


Thank god club activities don't officially start for another week. He thought bitterly as he handed his form over.   


While a week wasn't nearly enough to get himself together enough to manage, it had to count for something.   
  
When he met the team, he was disappointed, to say the least. Sure, most of them were nice enough - with the exception of Kageyama Tobio, the King of the Court, oh how fun that would be - but they were almost too familiar with him.   


At ease and open.   


Something that he hadn't experienced in a long time, if he were honest.   


It set him on edge and he wasn't entirely sure what to do. So he settled for his usual harsh teasing and pushing buttons.   


If they were reacting to something he'd said or done, they were more guarded, more likely to bite back. They were more like what he needed them to be.   


* * *

"How was school, sweetie?"   


Tsukishima glanced up from where he was working on dinner to see his mom standing in the doorway with a smile.   


_ It's been a while since I've seen her smile like that. _   


"It was okay, Mom."   


Okay. Just okay.

 

Things had been just okay for four years now - they'd long since stopped hoping for anything more.   


But it being okay meant that things weren't bad again.   


Absently, Tsukishima wondered if things would still be okay if his mom knew that it was him who had killed his brother - she had never once suspected it to be him, no one had.   


Pointless to wonder about it now, though. The case had gone cold and it was just something to live with now.   


Still, the conversation was changed quickly, back towards dinner. A safe topic, even if Tsukishima didn't feel very hungry anymore.   


* * *

It didn't take long for his teammates to adjust to him - which, admittedly, annoyed him beyond belief.   


Still, that's exactly why it didn't surprise him one bit when he heard Hinata speak behind him in the club room one day after practice.   


"Tsukishima, there's writing on your headphones."   


Tsukishima glanced over from where he was pulling his jacket off to see Hinata holding said headphones rather carefully.   


Well, at least he knows when not to risk breaking something, he thought dryly, moving to take them from Hinata to study the writing - flecks of the sharpie had faded off over  the years from use.   


"I know."   


Yamaguchi watched for a long moment before he gave a faint smile and shook his head.   


Tsukishima didn't say anything further - there was no need - just put his headphones around his neck and headed out after grabbing his bag.   


With him gone, Hinata looked to Yamaguchi in confusion. "He isn't mad?"   


"The writing's been there since he got them. They were a gift," Yamaguchi offered with a shrug.   


* * *

It wasn't hard to see the change in Tsukishima - and Yamaguchi, for that matter - when the Neighborhood Association showed up at Karasuno. No one questioned it, though. 

They had other things to do.   


Of course, with the practice games done and time to just talk and cool off happening now, it was almost surprising to see two of the men approach Tsukishima and Yamaguchi - everyone always gave the two their space, after all.   


"Been a few years since we've seen the two of you,"   


Suga watched the interaction warily from nearby after hearing that, but most everyone else had brushed it off and carried on with their own business.   


Yamaguchi smile easily, Suga noticed, but Tsukishima seemed to shut further in on himself.   


Daichi came to stand with Suga, more than a little curious as to what had the other's attention. Of course, upon seeing the situation, he gave a wary smile to his vice-captain.   


That didn't look good - Tsukishima barely associated with the team, much less strangers.   


But when the blond's voice sounded, sounding lighter than it usually did, both of the third years seemed surprised. "It's good to see you both again. I hope you've been well?"   


For all intents and purposes, it seemed like a pleasant conversation to the third years, but Suga caught sight of the concern in Yamaguchi's expression.

When the conversation turned to how has your family been Tsukishima offered a tight smile. "We're fine. I should get going,"

Once the blond was gone, Yamaguchi headed over to Daichi and Suga with a sheepish look. "You heard?"

"He looked angry, is he okay?" Suga asked softly.   


Yamaguchi looked over to the door that Tsukishima had left through. "He'll be okay."   


* * *

The next day was rough, to say the very least.   


Tsukishima just wasn't... there it seemed.   


Yamaguchi didn't seem concerned, at least not beyond the occasional quiet checkup.   


But when Tsukishima settled to put headphones on to block him out, they knew it was bad.   


"What's his deal?"   


"He's just... had a bit of a rough day."   


Something about the way that Yamaguchi said that caught everyone's attention.   


A rough day? That didn't seem right to them - they'd seen Tsukishima be more closed off from time to time, but never to this point.   


He just didn't seem to have rough days - you had to care to have rough days, right?   


But they supposed the fact that the blond was currently glaring at his phone said it definitely had been one.   


"What... happened?"   


Yamaguchi threw a look over at his best friend before he shook his head - the blond would be taking his headphones off again soon, he knew, so they could get to practicing. 

But he couldn't just ignore it either. "He tends to get like this around this time of year, but I can't explain why. It's really personal to him."   


"What, did someone die?" Kageyama asked, sounding torn between annoyance and genuine curiosity.   


Before anyone could reprimand him, or Yamaguchi could answer, Tsukishima's voice cut through the stunned silence.   


"Yes, actually. Someone did die. Would you like to ask some more questions, your Majesty, or is that enough information to satisfy you?"   


Thankfully, Daichi started practice before anyone could comment on it, effectively ending the conversation until practice had ended.   


Once it had, though, Yamaguchi spoke up to Tsukishima, trying to keep his voice low. "You don't usually snap like that. Are you okay, Tsukki?"   


Tsukishima stared at his best friend for a long moment before he offered a faint hum of agreement, content to get changed so he could go home.   


Being alone sounded like a blessing.   


Of course, nothing ever could go his way,  because the next thing he was aware of was Kageyama's voice behind him.   


"Who's this?"   


Tsukishima gave him an irritated look before he saw the picture being held carefully in his teammate's hand.   


That was enough for his expression to bleed back into its careful blankness.   


"My older brother. Akiteru."   


Kageyama looked up from the picture, and not a moment later, the entire team was watching the scene.   


"You have an older brother, Tsukishima-kun?" Asahi asked, surprise coating his voice.   


And he wasn't the only one who seemed surprised, Tsukishima noticed.   


Well, that was natural, he supposed. Even if he didn't talk much to them, they seemed to know enough to know that he lived with just his mom. He probably had Yamaguchi to thank for that, actually.   


"I don't. I  _ had _ an older brother."   


Silence followed the deadpan statement, and Kageyama settled for handing the picture back.   


Tsukishima started at it for a moment once he had it - Akiteru wearing his own Karasuno jacket with a wide grin and shining eyes - and then sighed and set it back in its place in his notebook.   


It was getting worn out. What a shame.   


Yamaguchi watched him for a long moment before he quickly changed the topic to weekend plans, letting Tsukishima slip out unnoticed by the others.   
  
"You told them about Akiteru."   


Tsukishima sighed softly at his best friend's voice behind him. "I know I did. What's your point?"   


"You never tell anyone about Akiteru. That's a big step towards trusting them, Tsukki!"   


That gained a disapproving glare, a click of the tongue, and the subject being waved off.   


Yamaguchi grinned, but went with it as he fell into step with him. He knew Tsukishima didn't like the idea of trusting people, he was fine letting it drop.   
  
That weekend, Tsukishima was rather glad that Yamaguchi was busy with his family - it meant he could go to Sendai without having anyone watching after him. He could relax.   


However, he hadn't accounted for bumping into someone else. Or having a conversation following that lead to him leaving back to his house with a new contact in his phone.   


Still, he had to admit he was thankful for the change.   
  
When Yamaguchi asked after what he'd done over the weekend, Tsukishima left out meeting Osamu - and the resulting conversations that had followed via text all of Sunday - but shared the adventure in Sendai.   


It was nice to see his best friend look so happy, too.   


_ He worries about me far too much. _   


But he supposed that was understandable. Yamaguchi had seen the change in him after Akiteru died, had witnessed the aftermath.   


He worried, but he still let Tsukishima function on his own.   


Which, honestly, Tsukishima couldn't really ask for more, especially from his best friend.   


* * *

The first time that anyone on the team aside from Yamaguchi saw Tsukishima as anything less than put together and distant was at the Tokyo training camp that summer, before the interhigh tournaments started up for everyone.   


And honestly, it scared them beyond belief to come back to the room they were set up in for the duration of the camp to see him curled in on himself, shoulders shaking with unsteady breathing.   


"Tsukki?"   


Yamaguchi's voice was soft, but nobody missed the flinch that followed. If nothing else, it served to snap everyone else out of their thoughts.   


"I'll go get a damp cloth and some water," Suga offered quietly, giving the others a look that said stay out of it.   


Yamaguchi didn't bother to reply, just moved to sit down in front of Tsukishima and held out one hand patiently as the rest of the team settled about their own business around the room - they knew better than to go against Suga when he had decided something, after all.   


Tsukishima just barely lifted his head, just enough for the others to see the panic in his eyes, but he let Yamaguchi take hold of one of his wrists to draw small circles across the pulse point.   


"What's wrong?"   


Tsukishima went to answer, then just heaved a shaky breath instead - he couldn't force the words out right now, even if he wanted to.   


Yamaguchi nodded in understanding, though, then switched his question. "Can you breathe?"   


A shake of the head.   


"Can you try and match mine, then?"   


A pause, then a small nod.   


Yamaguchi gave a small smile in response, then settled to start coaxing Tsukishima through the motions.   


No one else really understood how he was so calm about it all, but by the time Suga had gotten back, Tsukishima was breathing normally again and just slightly out of it due to exhaustion.   


Once he was asleep, Suga looked to Yamaguchi. "Does he have them often?"

Yamaguchi shook his head in answer. “They happen sometimes, but I think the last time was a couple years ago now,”

“Well, one thing’s for sure, he’s just terrified everyone. No one expected that, especially not today,” Daichi offered as he settled down beside the two. “Are you doing okay, Yamaguchi?”

Yamaguchi offered a thankful smile, but nodded and waved the concern away. “I’m fine! Thank you for worrying, but it isn’t necessary.”

* * *

 

The next morning, Yamaguchi was quick to ask Tsukishima what had happened the previous day. 

And well, he figured he should have guessed, honestly. 

Just some off hand comment, but it was enough. 

Yamaguchi supposed people never did get over someone they were close to committing suicide. 

After a short moment, he finally sighed and spoke again. 

“Did.. you ever figure out why he might have…?”

Tsukishima gave Yamaguchi a deadpan look before he looked away. “Doesn’t matter, does it? He’s dead, that’s the end of it.”

“Sorry, Tsukki.”

And for once, he actually  _ sounded _ sorry. 

_ It isn’t as nice as I thought it would be. Guess it’s just because of the reason.  _

Well, that and the fact that Tsukishima was genuinely tired of hearing “ _ I’m sorry” _ from anyone when it came to the topic of Akiteru. 

Why apologize?

They hadn’t killed him, after all.

He had. 

That thought ended what little bit of an appetite he had that morning, and he wound up pushing the rest of his food away. 

He could regret it later, but honestly? At least if he did this, he would suffer like he’d caused his brother to. 

It was only fair, in his opinion.

* * *

 

The rest of camp was difficult to say the least. 

Possibly the most memorable part of it for the Karasuno team was finding out that Yamaguchi had pulled a screaming match out of Tsukishima one evening - followed by the casual drop of “ _ don’t you think Akiteru-nii would be happier to see you trying your best, Tsukki?”  _ the next day when Tsukishima was still struggling to improve. 

While the other teams didn’t understand - they heard, of course they did, it wasn’t like Yamaguchi went out of his way to stay quiet when he said it - Karasuno did. 

And honestly, it shocked all of them. Was this really how Yamaguchi was around his best friend?

Tsukishima, for his part, only stared blankly at Yamaguchi before he turned away again. But they all saw the difference once they started playing. 

It wasn’t the best, and they could tell he still wasn’t passionate about the game, but it was a lot better than it had been at the beginning of the week, if they were honest about it. 

It was a start.

* * *

 

Coming back from camp, Tsukishima could honestly admit that he’d never been happier to be able to shut himself away in his room with little obligation to leave it until meal times.

Of course, that didn’t mean he got away from socialization - his teammates were content to spam text him - and when he blocked most of their numbers to make it stop, Yamaguchi picked up the slack.

_ Good to know my best friend is a sadist with a death wish,  _ he thought dryly as he stared at the messages. 

What he hadn’t expected was a message - followed by a call, when he didn’t answer - from Osamu.

So much for relaxing and resting.

“ _ So how dead are you, Tsukishima-kun?” _

Tsukishima settled for a muffled noise as he plopped his face back into his pillow. 

It was enough of a reply, judging by the soft laugh that Osamu offered. 

“ _ Okay, okay, I’ll let you rest for today then. But you’ve got to call me tomorrow.” _

Tsukishima didn’t have the energy or willpower to argue or ask why, but he apparently  _ did _ have the energy to register a sinking feeling in his gut. 

_ Oh _ . That was a “we need to talk”, wasn’t it?

Osamu had hung up by the time it registered with him, though, so he supposed that he just had to wait until tomorrow.

 

It went without saying that sleep didn't come as easily as Tsukishima wished it would that night. 

His mind was too busy working through possibilities as to what tomorrow was going to bring. 

And as much as he hated to admit it, he was scared. 

While he hadn't been able to actually talk to Osamu much lately, the elder had become a sort of grounding presence for him. 

Was he about to lose that? Had he done or said something?

 

Tsukishima put off calling Osamu for as long as he could - meaning he made it through lunch before his nerves got the better of him and he settled for calling to see what he wanted. 

Of course, had he known their talk was going to be that awkward ‘ _ hey I like you, do you want to maybe go out sometime _ ’ bullshit, he would have either not called, or at least not been as nervous. 

Still, it was a shock to his system in and of itself - how the hell could  _ anyone _ like someone like him?

And, okay, sure, Osamu didn’t  _ know _ what he’d done but that was far from the point. 

It wasn’t like he had a very positive personality or outlook even without knowledge of the blood on his hands. 

Regardless, he wasn’t about to complain - it was nice to be able to just have a normal social life for a while. 

And while he was still worried about someone finding out about him killing his brother, at least it took a back burner most of the time when he was talking to Osamu. That was a relief in and of itself - and likely why he had agreed so effortlessly.

 

He didn’t bother to tell Yamaguchi about it. Or anyone. What was the point? He didn’t know if it were a serious thing or just a _let’s try_ _just because_ thing. He could tell the other people in his life - few as they were, in his personal opinion - once he was sure that it was actually something worth telling about. 

It wasn’t like keeping secrets from them was anything new, anyway. 

Just exhausting, but at least this one wasn’t as heavy.

* * *

 

Something that annoyed Tsukishima beyond belief was that as soon as school started back on Monday, practices increased in both length and difficulty. It was like the training camp all over again except that everyone seemed to have more energy, more stubbornness to improve. 

_ Why can’t you all see it’s pointless? It won’t mean a damn thing.  _

So maybe he was still bitter. Maybe he was still  _ afraid _ but the idea of watching the same thing that happened to his brother happen to anyone else - minus the getting killed part, he didn’t dare think of that in relation to this, otherwise he’d never make it through a single practice again, he would wind up quitting again, with not a single regret for the action - was unbearable. 

But for some reason, he couldn’t help but get swept up in the hopefulness and enthusiasm his teammates showed - and honestly, when it came down to it, Osamu showed it too, leaving Tsukishima short of breath in awe at the changes it made to the other’s tone when they talked. 

It was weird, he thought, feeling hopeful after so long of feeling tired and numb to life. But he wasn’t going to complain either. 

Once the tournament started, he didn’t really have much time to think, either. 

Sure, there were nights where he still lay awake, a dull ache in his chest - he wanted to share this with his brother, wanted to see him smile, hear him say how proud he was. 

And maybe he was watching him from wherever he was in the afterlife. 

But the thing that hurt most about it was that he’d made the decision that led him to have no one to share it with. 

Or well… there was always his mom - she loved hearing stories about games, practices, always got this bright smile when he talked about his teammates, or Yamaguchi, like she just knew that it would do good for him and his healing to have friends, a thought pattern he didn’t bother to correct - but she stayed busy - she worked more than she used to out of sheer need to have something to do. 

And he couldn’t blame her, staying in this house for longer than he absolutely had to nearly drove him insane, he couldn’t imagine what she was suffering through knowing she’d lost a child here. 

To  _ suicide _ , they said. 

Tsukishima knew better, but his mom didn’t. And honestly, he wondered if he would hurt more if he believed it to be a suicide - a choice made by his brother to end his own life rather than it being cut short by someone else, much less someone he had trusted with all he had. 

He really couldn’t afford these sort of thoughts right now. He had too much going on, too many people needing him at that current time in his life to send himself into a spiraling meltdown that he knew he’d never be able to fix.

* * *

 

The games were a good distraction - observe, focus on the information in front of him, and do nothing but follow it. It was methodical and straight forward, leaving no room for his usual doubts. 

And in a way, he understood how his teammates, his opponents, his brother were all so in love with the game. It captured the attention no matter what role someone had in it, and left him no time or willpower to do anything but play. 

Which, that suited him just fine. If it meant that he wasn’t thinking and feeling like shit, he’d take it with no complaints, even if it did leave him exhausted and feeling emptier when he left the court than when he set foot on it. 

And making it to the finals? That felt  _ amazing _ . He’d gone nearly as far as Karasuno had when his brother was on the team. He was just a step away from being on that level.

Except… his brother hadn’t gotten to see that stage. 

He was surpassing his brother. 

And it didn’t feel  _ good _ like he’d hoped. 

It just made his thoughts worse. 

_ I don’t deserve this - this team, this chance, I just don’t. They’re far better people than me, they deserve a lot better as a teammate. Why can’t they see it? _

* * *

 

With the finals came the realization for Tsukishima that there was something he hated more in the world than liars - people who showed up where they weren’t expected to be, where they had no business being. 

_ Especially _ when it caused Hinata to become more excitable and thus more annoying to be around just by existing in the area. 

But at least he had an outlet for his annoyance. He had a game to play, and then he could go home.

* * *

 

The thing about the game with Shiratorizawa was that as nice as it felt to finally get something right, that feeling faded into a sort of hollowness as soon as he had to leave the court due to an injury. 

But, the end of the game - with Karasuno winning, which surprised him - he had to admit, maybe it was worth the pain. 

“Tsukki!”

_ Or it would be if he wouldn’t worry so fucking much about me, damn it.  _

Still, it was a momentary distraction from the pain in his hand and his anger towards everything else. 

Of course, it only lasted long enough for him to calm down just slightly before he heard someone else mention his name, getting his attention. 

That mention was followed by a voice that he wished he couldn’t hear. 

“Tsukishima…. You know, I think I remember that last name,”

Yamaguchi gave Tsukishima a wary look when the other’s expression hardened to a blank mask as he turned to fully face the Small Giant - the exact reason Hinata had been so energetic. 

“Oh? And why, pray tell, would that be?”

Cheeky laughter followed, then a crooked smile and a cheerful, “There was a guy a year above me on Karasuno’s team with that last name.”

Tsukishima gave a long look to the near-stranger before he scoffed and turned away to head to the change room. 

No one called him back. 

“Touched a nerve, did I?”

Yamaguchi glowered at the shorter male in response. “Well of course you did, mentioning Akiteru to him like that,”

“Wait…”

Hinata’s voice sounded confused, and Yamaguchi braced himself for an onslaught of questions - it was what the shorter boy was best at, after all. 

“Tsukishima’s brother was on the same team?”

Yamaguchi returned his gaze to the Small Giant briefly before he answered. “On the same team, but didn’t play.” 

He caught sight of Sugawara heading towards the change room and immediately changed gears. “Sugawara-san! I can go check on him, if you want!”

* * *

 

Not having any games to play until after holiday break was nice, in Tsukishima’s opinion. It meant time to just relax and be calm instead of being so hyper focused on practice - or rather, instead of having to deal with that hyper-fixation in others. 

Of course, it also brought along the holidays, which despite enjoying the calmer atmosphere, Tsukishima generally disliked. 

Another thing he hadn’t factored in was his dad showing back up. 

Which is exactly why he was so genuinely pissed coming into practice the week before school let out for break. 

Talking to Daichi and Suga was not something he’d originally planned to do either, but he had to give it to them - they were nothing if not observant and quick to pick up on changes. 

Waving it off was difficult, and he was almost amused by the matter-of-fact tones he heard his best friend speaking in as he approached where him and Hinata were across the gym. 

“You’ll be walking home on your own for this week, Yamaguchi.” He deadpanned, giving Hinata the barest look before his eyes flickered back to Yamaguchi. “I don’t want you near my house again until I tell you it’s fine,”

“What, why not?” 

Ah, the concern was back. Lovely. Just what he wanted. 

“Just don’t, okay?” 

No argument came, and Tsukishima gave the barest smile he could manage before he turned and left again. 

With him gone, Hinata looked to Yamaguchi in surprise. “Is…”

“I don’t know, Hinata.” Yamaguchi offered, tone back to the calm one he’d been using earlier despite the worry still in his expression.

* * *

 

With break started, Tsukishima had no excuse to stay out of the house. 

And with his mom finally working shifts for a while that meant she was home more and able to rest properly, he really should have figured things weren’t going to stay civil - the fights from when he was little were still clear as day, even though he’d grown up so much since they last happened. 

That was fine. He didn’t care, they could yell and argue however much they wanted as long as he got left out of it.

It was times like these that he really wished Akiteru were still there - he’d be able to defuse the situation so easily, it would have been great. 

But he wasn’t there, and Kei didn’t have the ability or energy to defuse an argument. 

Of course, that changed when silence reigned, followed by a quiet whimper from his mom. 

_ He better fucking not have,  _ he thought, heading into the living room to investigate, anger already bubbling up in him. 

And honestly, he almost scared himself when he saw his dad swing with the volume his voice came out in. 

“ _ Excuse me _ ?” 

Well, that got attention on him. Which, he certainly wasn’t going to complain about with the fact that it gave his mom time to get the fuck out of the situation. 

Stalking forward until he was in his father’s space, he spoke again, his voice quieter, deadlier than it had been. “I don’t know what you think you’re doing, but the next time you lay a hand on her, you won’t live to regret it,”

Since when was he so calm making death threats? 

But one look towards his mom told him it was more than justified. She looked terrified, marks already forming. 

He’d hurt her. 

_ God fucking damn it, I’m supposed to be looking out for her. _

His attention was brought back to the situation with a harsh punch, a bruising grip on his arm, and that was it. 

He wasn’t entirely sure what he did, but he remembered using his body weight and his father’s own momentum to get him pinned to the nearest wall, arm across his throat like he’d seen Yamaguchi’s father do to immobilize someone in a bad situation. 

But after that, it blurred together in a mess. 

He knew what he was doing, though. He had every intention to kill the fucker, and he knew that damn well. 

The fact that his body worked on autopilot, well… that was news to him, but he wasn’t about to complain either. 

When his actions caught up with him, his dad was long since dead and he finally let himself slump down off to the side. 

_ I’m covered in blood again. _

But he didn’t feel bad this time. 

At least not until he looked up to meet his mother’s wide eyes. 

“...Mom. Oh god, I’m sorry…” 

A faint shake of the head was the only answer he got for a while, then a quiet, “I’ll get Tadashi-kun over here..”

Tsukishima didn’t argue. 

_ God, she’s probably terrified. Is she okay? Are we okay? She just saw me kill her ex-husband. Why did I do that? No. No he deserved it. He hurt her.  _

Too caught in his thoughts, and cleaning considering that he needed something to do with his hands, he didn’t hear Yamaguchi come in. 

Wasn’t aware he was there until he spoke. 

“Okay, let me get this straight.”

Not even a reaction to the blood. Yamaguchi had grown since the scene he’d come in on after Akiteru died. 

Still, Tsukishima offered a quiet hum to let him know to go on. 

“Your mom calls my parents to send me over here, and I come in to you covered in blood  _ again _ , and a dead body. Your  _ father’s _ dead body. Tsukki, what the hell did you do?!”

“I killed him.”

Silence lasted for a long moment before Yamaguchi sighed and settled to help clean the blood off the floor. “You killed him. In front of her?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

_ Well that was simple, _ Tsukishima thought, then shrugged. “He hurt her. And then he laid hands on me and I just… reacted.” 

Yamaguchi was quiet again for a moment before he sighed. “Is that all?”

A silent nod from Tsukishima, and then Yamaguchi was speaking again. 

“I guess you don’t want this getting out. Let’s just get this mess cleaned up and go talk to your mom. And figure out what the fuck we’re going to do with the body,” 

Tsukishima looked up at Yamaguchi in surprise, gaining a half-wild grin from his best friend. 

“What, you think I’m letting you try to get rid of this yourself? Cute, Tsukki, real cute. Come on. We’ve got things to do.”

_ I really don’t deserve to have you as a friend, Yamaguchi. _

 

True to his word, Yamaguchi pretended nothing had happened once everything was handled and break was over. 

The marks Tsukishima had gained hadn’t quite faded by the time school started again, which did cause a few issues, but it was fine regardless. 

His mom was skittish - understandably so - for the first few days after the incident, but had relaxed back into their old patterns.

 

With break over, it meant more time around his teammates again, so it really shouldn’t have surprised him that word got out about him dating someone. 

But it did. 

The day his teammates learned he was dating someone - especially someone like Osamu, who they weren’t sure how he’d even met seeing as they’d not faced the other’s team in a single match yet - they were more than a little shocked. 

Which was fair, honestly, Tsukishima wasn’t exactly a social person. 

Yamaguchi had just smiled about it and carried on, but everyone else couldn’t quite equate the event with Tsukishima. 

It was Yamaguchi who got the name from Tsukishima first, and while it had caught him slightly off guard, there was only a brief beat of pause before he conversation continued. 

Once it was just them at Tsukishima’s home, though, Yamaguchi asked the question that had been bothering. 

“Does he…. know?”

Tsukishima shook his head in response, barely looking up from his book. 

“Are you going to tell him?”

“Maybe. Eventually.” Tsukishima offered dryly, glancing up at his best friend. “Why?”

Yamaguchi shrugged in response. “If you’re serious about him… I think you should,” he said. “I don’t want you to get hurt if he doesn’t like it later on, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima held his gaze for a long moment before he hummed his understanding and returned to his book. 

Getting hurt was always going to be a risk, and he knew it. But he didn’t tell Yamaguchi that.

* * *

 

The next video call he had with Osamu - not even two days later, which was frustrating for Tsukishima - Yamaguchi was there. 

Which, admittedly, Tsukishima disliked due to introductions, but was rather thankful for because it meant support. 

Better to get this out of the way sooner rather than later, anyway. At least this way, it won’t hurt as much. 

“I… we need to have a serious conversation, Osamu,”

And boy, he did not like the brief flash of concern in the other’s eyes. “ _ Sure, Kei-kun. What is it?” _

Yamaguchi settled, watching the conversation worriedly. He could see what Tsukishima was so taken with the guy, though - he was calmer than Yamaguchi would have thought, and seemed comfortable despite the unexpected situation, something that Tsukishima himself struggled with. 

“What would it take for you to hate me?”

Well, that was a way to start. Yamaguchi looked at Tsukishima in surprise for the blunt question before he gave a quiet laugh. 

Some things never changed, and it seemed like that was especially true about Tsukishima. 

Osamu, however, was treating the situation just as seriously as before. “ _ To hate you? You’d have to hurt someone I cared dearly for. What’s this about, have you done something stupid? _ ”

Tsukishima scoffed, but his expression betrayed him. 

“ _ Ah. Okay, out with it. What did you do, and when?” _

Tsukishima went to answer, but his throat felt dry, so he gave Yamaguchi a look that was half pleading instead. 

It didn’t escape Osamu’s notice and he redirected the question to Yamaguchi immediately. 

Yamaguchi hesitated before he spoke, holding his best friend’s eyes for a moment before he looked back to Osamu on the screen. “He’s killed someone before. His dad. Earlier this year.”

Osamu was quiet for a moment while the information set in and then he gave a slight nod. “ _ Can you give us a minute, then?” _

Yamaguchi paused briefly, then nodded his agreement, looking to Tsukishima. “I’ll go get some food, okay? If you need me back here, call me.”

Tsukishima nodded his agreement, waiting until he left and he’d heard the front door close again before he sighed. “Osamu…”

“ _ Kei. I’m going to ask two questions, and I want…. No, I need you to be honest with me about the answers.”  _

Tsukishima swallowed roughly, but agreed regardless. 

“ _ Why’d you kill him?” _

Tsukishima’s eye twitched slightly, but he answered regardless. “Because he hurt my mother and went to hurt me when I stepped in. It was the only way to keep us both safe immediately.”

“ _ So self defense. That isn’t bad,” _ Osamu offered, giving a faint smile despite himself as a way to reassure Tsukishima that he wasn’t mad. It was gone in the next moment, though. “ _ Was that the only one?” _

Tsukishima stared at Osamu before he frowned. “Why?”

“ _ Because if you were able to kill him without freaking out about it like it seems, you’ve either done it before or you were dissociated at the time, or both.” _

Tsukishima looked away from the screen before he shook his head in response to Osamu’s question. 

He could hear Osamu sigh, but didn’t look back to the screen. 

“ _ Kei, I need you to look at me, love,” _

Tsukishima fought with himself for a moment before he looked back to the screen blankly. 

There wasn’t any anger or frustration on Osamu’s face, which was surprising. Just concern.

“ _ Who, Kei? When? Does anyone know?” _

Tsukishima was silent for a long moment before he sighed. “Twelve. I was twelve. No one knows.”

Osamu gave him a slightly frustrated look at the omittance of who, but re-asked the questions regardless. 

“Nii-chan.”

Osamu’s eyes widened briefly before he schooled his expression back to a deadpan one. “ _ You killed your older brother. Why?” _

“I didn’t mean to. And he wouldn’t let me… I could’ve saved him..”

“ _ Shit. Please don’t have a meltdown right now, I can’t help from here. I’ll come see you soon and we’ll talk about it then.” _

Tsukishima didn’t bother to answer, just offered a brief nod of acceptance. 

By the time Yamaguchi got back, they were on a lighter topic and Tsukishima was smiling and joking around in a way that he hadn’t seen in a long time. 

And honestly, that was enough to soften him to Osamu as well - anyone who could put that sort of soft expression on his best friend’s face after everything he’d been through was perfectly fine by him.

* * *

 

It was a week before Osamu visited for them to talk, and Tsukishima spent that week in a state of constant anxiety - it didn’t show much unless you saw him outside of classes or practice, he was careful to keep a calm, neutral front up for his teammates. 

Of course, as soon as Osamu showed up, that anxiety nearly doubled - he was in no way ready for this conversation. It was personal, and talking about it made it real, and meant he was letting someone in, and both of those things were absolutely terrifying. 

“You sure you want to talk about this right now?”   
Tsukishima looked up at Osamu as they headed into the living room, surprised by the question but thankful nonetheless. “Yeah, I’m sure.”

“And you’re sure that we have enough time to discuss it? If your mother doesn’t know, I don’t want to be the reason she finds out,”   
Tsukishima shrugged, then nodded and settled down on the couch, pulling his knees up to his chest.    
Osamu heaved a sigh, but didn’t comment on the position as he settled beside Tsukishima, his expression carefully blank. 

“So. What happened?”

Tsukishima hesitated for a long moment before he sighed faintly. “We were arguing. I had found out that he’d lied to me and got mad and we started fighting when he got home and… the next thing I know there’s blood and…”

Osamu let him trail off, taking in the other’s body language carefully. This wasn’t an easy topic for anyone, especially not someone who’s dealing with self-blame, and he knew it. 

“So you really didn’t mean to kill him.”

Tsukishima shook his head in response. “I didn’t. I mean, I could have stopped the bleeding but he wouldn’t  _ let _ me.”

Osamu looked over in surprise when he heard Tsukishima’s voice break. He’d never seen the other as anything but completely put together, so that was a shock. “Kei…”

Tsukishima didn’t look up, though, eyes firmly fixed on a spot on the floor. “He didn’t blame me. He apologized to me and wouldn’t let me help.”

* * *

 

Osamu wound up staying over that night - not a surprise to Tsukishima, honestly, though it did make him nervous to have someone else in his space. 

Still, the warmth that came with him staying over was nice, and it was almost too easy to fall asleep. He’d almost forgotten how nice it was to not have to struggle to find enough peace to sleep. 

Of course, that peace didn’t last - he jolted awake with a yelp at about two thirty, and remained that way, shifting every so often  to try to convince himself to fall back to sleep. 

“Kei, it’s three in the morning, why are you awake?”

Tsukishima’s head jerked up just slightly at the sound of Osamu’s voice - tired as it was, it wasn’t hard to tell he’d woken the other up. “Sorry, go back to sleep, ‘Samu.”

Osamu scoffed quietly, hesitating for just a moment. “Will your mom get mad if I’m cuddling you if she comes to check in on you? You look like you could use it,”

Tsukishima gave a faint smile in response - an offer of comfort and no questions. Easily the best situation when it came to coming back down from a nightmare. 

Of course, once he’d settled down comfortably with Osamu halfway wrapped around him tiredly, revelling in the warmth that came with the closeness, the questions came. 

“Did you have a nightmare?”

A nod. 

“What was it about?”

Tsukishima sighed softly. “It was… more like a memory than a nightmare at first. The day my brother died. The rest is just… what if my mom finds out and hates me? Or Yamaguchi, or my teammates?”

Osamu is silent for a long moment before he sighed and pressed a soft kiss to Tsukishima’s cheek. “It won’t happen. No one is going to hate you, even if they do find out. Now rest,”

* * *

 

After Osamu left for home, Tsukishima finally let the cold feeling he’d had since the nightmare take over. Not like there was any point in fighting it, after all. It’d take over whether he allowed it to or not, may as well not exhaust himself trying to avoid the inevitable. 

However, he hadn’t expected to get caught up in it enough that he actively sought to stay home from school - he hadn’t realized until his mother checked in on him worriedly. 

Right. When was the last time that he’d been out of his room for longer than just basic needs?

Maybe he needed to get out for a little bit.

He didn’t bother to let his mom know where he was going - probably a bad idea, Yamaguchi would drop by later. He always did when Tsukishima missed school, but oh well. He just wanted out for right now. 

He hadn’t actually expected to wind up at Akiteru grave - nor had he expected that Yamaguchi would know where he was. 

“You had everyone worried sick, Tsukki.”

Tsukishima offered a shrug, barely glancing back at Yamaguchi at the sound of his voice - he looked every bit as exasperated as he sounded. 

“...why are you here?”

“Because you weren’t home.” Yamaguchi deadpanned, then sighed. “And because you can’t keep coming to sit here at your brother’s grave when things get too much. It isn’t healthy.”

“I can do whatever I damn well please to deal with things,”

Yamaguchi gave a searching look before he moved to kneel beside Tsukishima at the grave’s side. “Tsukki, your mom has a shrine set up at home for this.”

Tsukishima didn’t bother to look away from the gravesite this time. “No, she doesn’t. That’s meant for grieving. I’m not grieving.”

“Then what’s going on, why are you here?”

Tsukishima stayed quiet for a long moment before he relented. Yamaguchi was his best friend, it wasn’t like he’d hate him, right?

God he hoped not. He hoped Osamu was right. 

“Because I miss him. And I shouldn’t, because I don’t have the right. This is my fault,”

Yamaguchi sighed softly. “Tsukki…”

“No! This isn’t some ‘I couldn’t save him’ bullshit self blame, Yamaguchi.  _ I’m the one who did this. _ ”

The silence that fell between them hurt. 

Tsukishima looked up to see Yamaguchi staring at him in horror. 

“I did this.” he repeated, words no more than a whisper as he held his best friend’s gaze. 

Yamaguchi broke eye contact to stare at the grave before he gave an aborted nod. “Good to know,”

Tsukishima didn’t stop him when he got up and walked away without another word. 

Well. That was one less person he had to worry about losing when they found out. But point proven, he supposed. 

“...he was wrong.” he mumbled, pulling his knees up to his chest and returning his gaze to the grave. “Is it peaceful there, Nii-chan? I hope so. I promise I’ll go home soon,”

_ And I’m glad no one else is here, I probably look like a lunatic sitting here talking to a grave,  _ he thought bitterly. 

He didn’t wind up going home that night, though. He wanted to. God he wanted to, but he just didn’t have the energy to get up and walk home.

* * *

 

It had been two weeks since Yamaguchi found out about how Akiteru died. And in those two weeks, Tsukishima had never felt more alone. 

It probably showed - he ignored calls and messages from Osamu, skipped meals with his mom, and avoided spending more time around the team than was required for practices. 

And honestly, the thing that hurt most was Yamaguchi didn’t look like anything had happened. At least, not in a way that was obvious to the team for those two weeks.

But he didn’t talk to Tsukishima anymore, either. He looked vaguely scared, honestly. Doubtful.

He didn’t like seeing that look on Yamaguchi. 

 

“Tsukishima?”

Tsukishima looked up at Daichi’s voice, startled and curious as to what the captain wanted. 

“Yamaguchi came to me, said you seemed like you needed someone impartial to talk to. Is everything okay?”

Tsukishima offered a small, surprised noise before he looked around the gym to find his best friend’s eyes on them. 

_ So he isn’t mad. He doesn’t hate me. Huh.  _

“Yeah, everything’s fine. It’s just been a rough few weeks mentally,” Tsukishima admitted, looking back to Daichi. 

It earned him a searching look before the captain sat down beside him and got settled for a long conversation. “Tell me about it, then.”

Thankfully, he didn’t press when Tsukishima skipped over a few details.

He wasn’t ready for anyone else to know. Especially not someone like Daichi - not someone who had such a strong sense of justice about him. 

God, that thought was terrifying. 

But the talk did help him a little bit - it settled his too-fried nerves long enough for him to catch a good breath.

* * *

 

“You haven’t been answering me, is everything okay, Kei?”

Osamu showing up at his house on Saturday afternoon with an overnight bag and completely unannounced had surprised Tsukishima, but he had never been happier to see his boyfriend, either. 

“I told Yamaguchi,”

Osamu looked at him in surprise, but nodded for him to continue as the two of them got settled in Tsukishima’s room. 

“He… didn’t really react well. Didn’t talk to me for two weeks. So I sort of shut down.”

The  _ I was scared he’d tell _ stayed unspoken, but weighed between the two regardless of that fact. 

Osamu sighed but settled to listen regardless. He didn’t like it, but it was what it was. 

Once Tsukishima was silent again,though, he spoke quietly and held his arms open slightly.. “Okay, c’mon, time to move on. It’s okay.”

Tsukishima stared at him, then relented and moved to cuddle into Osamu. “....I don’t want to keep feeling like this. I don’t want to keep hating myself for something I can’t undo, I’m just…. I’m really fucking tired of living if this is all I have left, Osamu..”

Osamu didn’t say anything, just tightened his arms around the younger and pressed a kiss to Tsukishima’s forehead.

There was nothing he  _ could _ say. 

Tsukishima was giving up, and he knew it. 

It was silent, neither of them saying anything else until Tsukishima fell asleep. Then Osamu shifted so they were both laying down - more comfortable for them both that way - and pressed another kiss to Tsukishima’s forehead. 

“I’m so sorry, love. I wish there were more I could do for you,” he whispered. 

 

Waking up alone on Sunday, with Osamu’s team jacket thrown over him, was disorienting. 

Still, the sun was bright, and Tsukishima felt refreshed and calm in a way he hadn’t in months, so he was more than content to curl further under the jacket and drift for a while longer. 

_ Last night was the first time in years that I haven’t had nightmares,  _ he thought tiredly, only barely lifting his head - and keeping his eyes stubbornly closed while doing so - when he heard Osamu’s quiet chuckle. 

“Come on, Kei. Yamaguchi-kun is here to talk. Up you get,”

Tsukishima made a quiet noise of complaint, but sat up and pulled Osamu’s jacket on properly before he settled his gaze on Yamaguchi - god, he needed his glasses, but he was too content to grab them. 

Yamaguchi met his eyes evenly before he gave a slightly apologetic look. 

Yeah, this was going to be a long talk. He could already feel it. 

 

“If you weren’t mad, why did you just…. Leave.”

Yamaguchi stared at Tsukishima for a long moment - the blond had been dead silent through the entire time he’d been talking, and he looked completely exhausted. Should the rest wait?

Maybe. 

“Because I didn’t know how to react.” he finally admitted. “Tsukki… he was your  _ hero _ back then, and I still can’t get my head around why..”

Tsukishima looked down, fidgeting with his fingers despite himself before he shrugged. “I didn’t mean to. And he wouldn’t let me stop the bleeding.”

Yamaguchi gave a quiet noise of confusion, but didn’t question it. 

Nothing new. 

Tsukishima was used to no one knowing the answers. 

He himself didn’t even know the answers, so why would he ever expect someone else to? That was just pointless

* * *

 

After that, things returned to normal. Not for long - that normalness never lasted long with Karasuno anyway, but it got them through exams. 

And it was then that Tsukishima realized the one thing he hated most about Karasuno other than their neverending friendly enthusiasm was the fact that they always took things as they came and stuck their noses where they didn’t belong. 

The thing that brought it to the forefront of his mind this time, though, was the fact that the entire team went dead silent as soon as he entered the club room. 

Weird, they were usually already heading towards the gym by now. 

That silence didn’t last long - Hinata broke it before it became to heavy. 

“Why didn’t you tell us you’d killed someone?”

Tsukishima froze at that, ice finding its way through his veins. 

They knew. How the fuck did they know?

He didn’t remember reacting - he did remember the cold feeling that came over him, and he remembered grabbing Hinata by his shirt and pushing him against one of the walls in a blind panic. But he couldn’t remember saying anything - he didn’t remember anything worth remembering. 

So it was disorienting to say the least to come aware again to Daichi having him in a tight cold - fair, he figured, but it didn’t feel constraining. It was just pressure. 

Grounding. 

_ How are they so calm? _ _   
_ “H-how…”

He didn’t get anything else out. 

Suga, however, seemed to understand. 

“Well, Hinata seems to have suspected for a while, and Yamaguchi simply confirmed when he was asked,”

Tsukishima frowned, searching his best friend out despite his own awareness drifting away from him again. 

_ Yamaguchi _ had told. 

Figures. 

_ You never can trust people. You’d think I would’ve learned that by now.  _

But he didn’t bother to say anything. The sheepish, apologetic smile he got from Yamaguchi was enough to let him know it hadn’t been an entirely intentional betrayal. 

“‘Kay… what now?”

No use fighting. 

He didn’t have the energy or willpower to fight anymore. 

If they knew, and they wanted to turn it in to the police, then so be it. 

He just wanted it all to be over anyway. 

But they surprised him again - asked how he was doing, if he needed to  _ talk _ . 

No. No, he didn’t need to talk. He couldn’t get the words out, but he didn’t need anything. 

Some rest, some peace, for this not to be reality, but nothing that they could offer him.

* * *

 

Osamu was there when he got home -  _ why the hell, his school ends the same time mine does. Did he skip? Fuck, what if he gets in trouble because of me? _

“You look like you had a rough day. Want some food?”

“Not hungry,” Tsukishima said, waving his boyfriend’s concern off. 

He didn’t drop it - of course he didn’t, that wasn’t in his nature - but god did Tsukishima wished that he would. He wanted it to be silent. He needed it to be silent, he needed to think, he needed to  _ breathe _ and he couldn’t with Osamu’s concern being so suffocatingly there. 

And so, he tuned out. He let himself recede into his own thoughts, going through his usual routine after coming home from school. 

Nothing was different as long as he didn’t let it be. 

But Osamu was still there, and Tsukishima was startlingly aware of the fact. It had him on edge, even while he wasn’t completely aware of his surroundings. 

Because he couldn’t just forget. Osamu wasn’t the kind of person you just ignored, forgot about. 

He’d almost completely forgotten his surroundings when Osamu’s fingers closed around his wrist while he was making dinner - his mom would be home soon, he needed this done by the time she got home so she could rest and he could turn his attention to his homework until he passed out. 

He startled, swinging around wildly. 

He didn’t like people in the room with him while he cooked. 

And he didn’t like people touching him when he got like this. 

But once he blinked - red blossoming against Osamu’s skin, on a white - now cut - t-shirt, he dropped the knife he’d been using. 

Oh god. 

He’d done that. 

Osamu let out a quiet hiss, but didn’t move away. No, he moved  _ closer _ , guiding Tsukishima away from the food. “I’ll handle this, okay? Go rest.”

Tsukishima let out a quiet whimper. “I’m really sorry,”

Osamu wasn’t having it, though. “Go sit, dumbass, don’t apologize.”

Tsukishima went to apologize again, then thought better of it and disappeared into the living room to curl up. 

_ I hurt him. I didn’t mean to. Is he mad? Upset? I fucked up. Again. It’s all I ever do. Fuck up and ruin good things. _

Osamu joining him in the living room a bit later surprised him, as did the gentleness the other’s hands held as he brushed away tears Tsukishima didn’t remember shedding. 

_ He’s always so good to me… I don’t deserve him. _

* * *

The aftermath of everything - Karasuno finding out and the shit that happened with Osamu, which was something he kept as another closely guarded secret from everyone - on top of the already suffocating guilt that Tsukishima had been dealing with for four years now was exactly what marked the beginning of the end, in his mind.

People knew, he’d hurt someone else, he’d had every intention to hurt Hinata when Karasuno found out. 

His best kept secret, all out because of a moment of weakness that his best friend had stumbled upon. 

And sure, maybe this was Yamaguchi’s way of trying to show him he wasn’t alone, but it had done the opposite. 

He’d been fine with the lies, maybe not happy but that was unattainable for him regardless. 

But now, his nightmares were picking back up, taking new demons on to torment him with. It wasn’t a surprise to him, either, but it still hurt. 

And honestly, the icing on the cake had to be his mom coming into his room one night maybe a month later, a tired but worried look showing. ‘ _ Fuck, she heard me screaming didn’t she? _

“Nightmares again, sweetie?”

But he just stared at her instead of answering. What was there for him to say? They both knew the answer, and he knew why they were happening. 

Simple as that. 

“I’m sorry, mom..” He finally managed. 

God his voice sounded horrible. How long had he been screaming this time before he finally forced himself awake?

Frustration bubbled up in his chest, and he hit the bed harshly, forgetting for a moment that his mom was there with him, seeing him break after four long years of nothing but careful numbness.

“I’m so sorry. It’s all my fucking fault, I’m sorry, I didn’t…” He started, but never could finish what he wanted to say. The words got stuck in his throat. 

His mom didn’t seem surprised by his meltdown or his words, just went to get a rag and a bottle of water before coming back to sit with him. 

That was the final thing. That was what broke him for good. 

_ Why does no one leave? They should. They deserve more, better, and I can’t be that. _

“Please don’t….. Please just leave me alone,”

“No, Kei. I’m not going to do that,”

Tsukishima let out a harsh sob, fingers tight in his bed sheet, but he didn’t fight against his mother’s grip. 

If this made her feel better, then fine. 

He couldn’t tell her she’d lost both of her sons when she lost Akiteru, after all. 

He could deal with his meltdowns and guilt until he was on his own. 

Until it wouldn’t hurt her anymore if he died. 

That was fine. 

* * *

That meltdown caused a shut off in Tsukishima. He became a lot more distant after that.

If he didn’t get any closer to people, they wouldn’t be hurt when he inevitably left. 

It was the best way to live, right? For someone like him, there were no other options, honestly. 

But that distance had Osamu on edge, and Tsukishima could tell when he visited. 

Questions happened constantly. 

A lot had happened over the last school year. They both knew that. 

And honestly, Tsukishima caving under the near interrogation had surprised Osamu. He’d been prepared for a fight, but the other just seemed lifeless now. 

“I’m really tired of fighting, Osamu.”

Osamu didn’t miss a beat, just guided the conversation steadily like he’d learned how to do for these cases. 

He wasn’t about to let Tsukishima get lost in his head again. Not out of fear - he knew Tsukishima feared himself, but he couldn’t fear the blond if his life depended on it - but out of concern for the other. 

“Then stop fighting, love. It’s okay to be tired. But you need to take better care of yourself.”

“I don’t want to. I don’t want to take care of myself, I don’t want to still be here. I want things to get  _ better _ .”

God, that broken tone hurt. Tsukishima could feel it tearing at his throat as he spoke in it. 

Good. 

If he couldn’t talk anymore, he couldn’t fuck anything else up easily. 

“...you could always think about getting some help,”

Tsukishima shook his head slightly. “You’ve said that before. I don’t want it.”

Osamu sighed, but moved to lean against the table by where Tsukishima was seated. “You need it. We need to figure out where to go from here. And we can’t do that with you so ready to give up.”

“Oh, is my attitude a problem?” Tsukishima asked, his tone turning just a shade shy of apologetic, but icy. 

“Yes, Kei. It is. I love you, but it’s a problem,”

Tsukishima stared at him for a long moment before he offered a calm smile - one Osamu hadn’t seen before, but he immediately decided he didn’t like it. 

“Then let me fix that for you.”


End file.
